Give it to Yourself
Picture this (sorry in advance for the unpleasant image):
I have my period.
I´m exhausted. Gloomy. Feeling like hell. And my inner demons crawl out from under my bed, like in a terror movie.
On the mirror, I see a distorted reflection of a woman I used to know. I look at my swollen belly and aching breasts - I sigh; I turn around and observe my butt, my thighs, my back. For some reason I don´t care to scrutinize, I don´t like what I see.
There´s a part of me who knows better - I´ve been teaching self-love and empowerment for a long time; there´s another part of me who´s momentarily weak so, I allow myself to sink while knowing how to swim.
I´m in need of some urgent "woman´s cave" time.
For me, that´s hiding with a good book or a movie. No interaction with the real world; no interruptions. Just me and my void.
Here´s the thing (a problem and a safety net): I´ve been a professional dancer, teacher, and author for more than 20 years and I got to work. There are bills to be paid and a mission to fulfill. I can´t say "I´ll be gone for as long as I need and I´ll be back when I´m ready".
I´ve also noticed that my work heals me. Helping other women is a way of helping myself. Creativity saves me. And doing what I love can be a balsam for my soul.
So, even when I need to retreat into my "woman´s cave" - when I have my period or when I´m going through a rough patch -, I usually don´t. I do this instead:
I give myself the strength and the light I need.
I occasionally ask for those things, as well.
I ask for a loving word; an uplifting message; I ask for support or an opinion from a trusted friend. I even ask for applause, but, mostly, I give it to myself.
Instead of expecting the world to give you love, power, confidence, (fill the blank with whatever you need to receive), waste no time and GIVE IT TO YOURSELF. If other people add to it, great, it´s a plus; but don´t expect them to or wait for it. And don´t get mad if they don´t - they, too, are fighting their invisible battles.
I remember the moment when I met my strength, the ability to GIVE IT TO MYSELF, a strength I didn´t know I had.
I´d just moved to Egypt, in order to start my career, and I found myself desolated - in absolute loneliness - at the living room of the house I´d rented.
My mum had flown back to Portugal. I´d dropped her at the airport, hours ago, and I returned home, watching the chaos of the city unfold beneath my eyes.
Suddenly, as if it came as a surprise, I realized, I was by myself in the jungle of Cairo with no friends or family, no contacts, no perspective of work (there was a law at the time forbidding foreigners from working as solo Oriental Dancers) and exposed to an hostile environment dominated by sexual harassment, repression, and corruption.
There I was, a young foreign woman, all by herself, in the lion´s mouth, delivered - like a prey - to the raw reality of life in Egypt.
I´d cried myself to sleep and woke up at dawn to the sound of the "Muezzin" calling people for the first prayer of the day, "el Fajr".
My legs and arms were numb; I felt that I was glued to the floor. I touched the floor around my face and felt the stickiness of dried tears. Salty and gooey.
Awake, conscious of the pickle I was in, I resorted back to crying, hoping for someone - Jesus Christ, the prophet Mohammed, a medium neighbor, a shining knight on a white horse - to crash my door, get into the flat with the assertiveness of a thunder; pick me up from the floor, and save me.
📯Spoiler alert #1: nobody crashed my door, lifted me up, and saved me.
📯Spoiler alert #2: although I wasted time waiting for a miracle - looking at the door, meters away from the spot where I was lying, in the childish hope of a rescue operation -, all I achieved was aching muscles, puffy eyes, and a sticky floor.
📯Spoiler alert #3: no one can save you but you.
Slowly but surely, I had to rise up - literally and metaphorically - and offer myself the pep talk I needed to hear. Nobody would come to save me - I had to save myself.
I dragged myself to the kitchen, took the first rays of sun in; made myself tea - "Arousa", typically Egyptian -, sat down on the sofa of my living room, and told myself:
- You got this.
- You came here for a reason and although things look desperate, now, they´ll get better.
- You´re strong.
- Your´re an intelligent, talented, creative, and persistent person. If you believe in yourself and do the work, you´ll materialize all your dreams.
- I trust you; you can do this.
I looked nuts, if observed from the outside, but I was growing up. I was becoming an adult in the real sense of the word. You, too, can do it.
Falling into the Victim´s role is easy and appealing - I´ve been there; I go back there, once in a while - but it won´t take you anywhere interesting.
We presume the world owes us something when it doesn´t and we often expect love from people who can´t give it to us, from folks who don´t even love themselves.
Today is the day when you tell yourself what you need to hear.
Today is the day when you give yourself what you need to receive.
Today is the day you claim your power back.
Let the compliments, support, and love of others be the cherry on the top of the cake.
You, my dear, are the one who bakes that cake.
GIVE IT TO YOURSELF, whatever you need.
STOP WAITING FOR THE WHITE KNIGHT, and get up.
TURN WITHIN SEARCHING FOR THE ANSWERS - you have them in you.
Trust.
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