Discoveries from my Bed Rest (when a dancer has to stop moving)
“Doing those deeply unfashionable things—slowing down, letting your spare time expand, getting enough sleep, resting—is a radical act now, but it is essential. This is a crossroads we all know, a moment when you need to shed a skin. If you do, you’ll expose all those painful nerve endings and feel so raw that you’ll need to take care of yourself for a while. If you don’t, then that skin will harden around you.”
Katherine May - Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times, 2020.
Felice Casorati - Dreaming of Pomegranates, 1913.
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What happens when a natural born dancer, who also happens to be a professional dancer who´s been living off her art for more than 20 years, receives a bed rest order from the doctor?
Me, immobile.
Me, like dead fish, surrendered to an imposed stillness.
Me, unable to dance, work out, move freely as I´ve always done.
Me, challenged to the core.
I saw myself on my bed - prepared with fresh line, a jar with recently picked English roses from our garden, 3 of the books I´m currently reading by my bedside table - with the commitment to stay there for at least 3-4 days straight.
My man had to cook, clean, tend to all my needs, and make sure I was painless, comfortable, in a good mood.
I just lied there - not really knowing in which position to stay.
I just lied there - a stranger to the bed which I use with parsimony, within a limited time frame.
I just lied there - hour after hour, contradicting the natural tendency of jumping off, washing my face with fresh water, wrapping up my sleeves, and materializing dreams.
Now, that I´m released from bed rest, I found myself thinking: what did I gain, or learn, aside from the benefit of following the doctor´s orders?
That´s what I´m about to share with you:
Lesson #1
Bed rest is not for me.
I won´t elaborate much because there is not much to elaborate. I´ve heard of family members, friends and students who love their long-rest-indulgences in bed. I know this phenomenon exists. I´d never experienced it, though. My character and life circumstances, aside from my get-up-and-get-shit-done education, didn´t allow for it.
I occasionally fantasized about it - how wonderful it´d be if... - but I´d never actually lived it.
Now, I have.
Let´s put it this way (full circle): not for me.
Lesson #2
Bed Rest has shown me how conditioned I am to work-work-work.
I´m not talking about the necessary work for our survival or the work we love to do. I´m talking about this deep, mostly unconscious, belief that tells us "you are what you produce", the old motto of "work dignifies you" which means that when you´re not working, you´re not dignifying yourself.
At first, I felt restless. Guilty. Anxious. Ashamed. Humiliated, even. In my entire adult life, this was the first time I was on bed rest.
Who am I, if I´m not creating, working, delivering?
Will the world around me crumble?
The answers came - they had plenty of time to arrive -:
I am who I am, independently of the work I do. I´m Joana, this human being with this life to be lived. Period.
The world doesn´t crumble the moment I stop working. The world goes on. Life moves forward. Stars don´t fall from the sky. The rivers keep flowing where they´re supposed to. Most friends, family members, and students understand and support me.
All is good. I can stop, once in a while.
Lesson #3
How great it feels to exist without stress.
Wow. I know how tacky that sounds but: wow. That´s the only word that comes to mind.
I didn´t know how stressed I was, and how damaging stress is to my life, until I had the opportunity to exist without stress.
On my bed, surrounded by books, a good movie, heavily scented roses from our garden, with nothing and no one to press my buttons - no challenges, no requests, no deadlines, no commitments (for the time being), no important decisions to make, no pressures, no obligations, no chores -, I felt like a Zen monk.
I mean it. Bring the Dalai Lama, if you like. Jesus Christ. The Prophet Mohamed. Moses. Noah. The Saints of any religion. I bet they aren´t more peaceful and relaxed than I was on bed rest.
For a couple of days, I smiled like a saint; I didn´t curse; I took long, restful, deep breaths; I wished the entire world could hold hands and sing heavenly tunes together.
For a couple of days, my body felt rested, relaxed, grounded. I could feel my feet touching the ground, whenever I went to the bathroom.
For a couple of days, I realized how a stress-free life felt. It tasted sweet. And desirable.
- How can I reproduce this stress-free state after I´m released from this bed rest? - I asked myself, wrapping my legs - lazy and slow - around my sheets.
The thing is: I can´t. Life is stressful. Being engaged with life, with all its commitments, responsibilities, chores, challenges and stimulations, is not conducive to a stress-free state. Nonetheless, I made a decision: I´ll prioritize my well-being from now on. I´ll actively choose stress-free experiences, as much as I can, and implement habits that help me manage the stress I cannot avoid.
Lesson #4
It´s wonderful (and perfectly fine) to be taken care of
I´m a woman (until further notice). That means I´m not immune to the traditions and genetic bQ!"#$% passed through my mother´s lineage.
Women are raised as care-takers.
A good woman cares for others.
A good woman gives to others.
A good woman prioritizes the needs of other people over her own needs.
Consciously, or not, most women I know are victims of this mentality. The ones who have broken free from the chain are called "selfish", "arrogant", "not feminine", "evil", "aggressive", "narcissist" or, the classic of all women-bashing offenses, a "bitch".
I celebrated being all of that. And then some.
It felt amazing to have my man taking care of me. Cooking for me. Bringing me a drink. Massaging my feet. Tending to my every need.
It felt great to be on the side of the cared for, not on the side of the one who cares for another.
I realized I deserved to be pampered, a target of care, tenderness, and loving attention. Furthermore, I realized I could do that job for myself after the bed rest period was over.
Lesson #5
Radical Stillness is exactly what we, occasionally, need in a world obsessed with Action
I´m not turning into a couch potato any time soon but now that I´ve had a taste of the bed rest - what I call "radical stillness" -, I´ll adopt it whenever I can.
As I counted the hours - yes, I looked at the watch on my mobile every hour - and got tired of being tired; as I surrendered into a deep state of rest, I noticed how my body, mind, heart, and soul were thanking me for it:
-We needed this stillness. Thank you for giving it to us. - They told me with absolute clarity.
We need this stillness. To recover our energy. To reset. To calm our nerves, hormones and adrenaline down. To go back to being - simply being.
We need this stillness so we can go back to action with more purpose, fire, clarity, and pleasure.
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I´m still taking it slow - doctor´s orders - but I´m back in action. Everything seems more real, now, after having being off for a few days.
Do I recommend it?
I do.
Stillness can be exactly what dreamers and doers need. That is a gift only we can offer ourselves. I´m secretly wishing you´ll do it, too, whenever you can.
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