How my BREAKDOWN turned into a BREAKTHROUGH (confession by Joana Saahirah)

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See the smile in this photo? It took me a long time to get it - a relaxed, truly confident, natural smile coming from a sense of absolute self-acceptance. That smile speaks more than a thousand words, if you know what´s behind it. And I do.

For a long time, I drove the Masculine/Ego-oriented/Career oriented road our societies call SUCCESS.

For a long time, I believed I was worthy if, and only when, I produced, achieved, proved myself and my talents in a never-ending marathon that pushed me near to a burnout.

After years of non-stop traveling for work, on the verge of rocking my 4th USA Tour, with a beautiful event in Canada attached to it and a series of work trips to European countries right after it, I got on the airplane straight to New York, certain I´d be sick. Seriously sick.

I felt drained, empty, anxious, sad, craving for silence, nature, rest, sunlight, the dreamy state of non-doing which is the natural state of BEING.

There was no external sign of sickness and I´m not the kind of person who gets sick. Never was; never will be, and yet, I knew s"$%&t was going to hit the fan!

And it did.

An infection, caused by a micro organism doctors couldn´t identify, took over leaving me with a 39º fever, immobilizing physical pain, nausea, and pus coming out of my body.

Disgusting, scary, and life-threatening.

I spent hundreds of dollars on emergency rooms ($1200 in a week, to be precise), doctors advised me to cancel my tour and return to Europe so I could get proper medical treatment without going bankrupted and I, being myself, soldiered on and made a deal with myself:

~~~ Carry me through this Tour and the work engagements I´m already commited to - I promise to take the prescribed medication, eat, drink, sleep and rest between shows, lectures, and workshops.

~~~ Allow me to complete this life chapter and I promise YOU - my body, mind, heart, and soul - I´ll begin a NEW chapter where BEING is allowed and enough; I won´t define myself anymore through ambition, running in the mouse wheel, or my achievements; I´ll create space for intimate relationships, breathing, loving and being loved.

~~~ Support me in this finish line and I´ll give YOU - my body, mind, heart, and soul - what you always craved for: MY UNCONDITIONAL SELF-ACCEPTANCE AND LOVE.

I keep my promises, starting with the ones I make with myself.

So, I continued to DREAM and ACHIEVE but in a format where I could remember what it meant BEING; I started shaping a life where there was time, space, and vulnerability for truly intimate relationships, for rest, contemplation, flow, breathing.

Parts of my career suffered from this LIFE SHIFT - I sacrificed them willingly; others are growing because of it. Mostly, I´m growing and my work grows with me.

Getting off the mouse wheel and starting to live isn´t easy - we´re daughters of Athena, a generation of women who was told we have to accumulate our traditional roles - mother, wife, home maker - with the roles of the successful professional and the master of our own life.

It´s a lot to take and an whole lot to do. We´re overwhelmed, exhausted, on the verge of a collective nervous breakdown.

There´s a myriad of pressures, responsibilities, and expenses to deal with.

Sadly, I haven´t won the lottery - yet -, my parents aren´t rich, and there´s no finantial support system behind my back aside from what I earn through my work. The Dance between DOING & BEING isn´t easy to master but I´ve always been a dancer and I´ll find a way. Furthermore, I promise YOU CAN DO IT, too.

Today, I ask you what I asked myself during my physical breakdown (breakthrough):

What can YOU do, or NOT DO, TODAY to BE MORE and LIVE MORE, instead of doing more?

What can YOU do, or NOT DO, TODAY in order to tap into your FEMININE POLARITY of EXISTING, RECEIVING, FLOWING, and LOVING instead of remaining exclusively in the MASCULINE GO-AND-GET-IT-NOW mode?

Can YOU honestly tell yourself "I´m enough", independently of who, where, and how you are right now?

Can YOU love yourself, unconditionally, independently of who, where, and how you are right now?

Ay, ay, the tough questions!

Love,

Joana Saahirah

Joana Saahirah´s World Official Website